Undertaking Williams

The Funeral Crowd. What should you say or not say?

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grief pic.jpeg

Reblog from the Coffeelicious by Pratima Sutar

How do you console someone in the time of death? People always seem at a loss of words whenever confronted by these situations. A few of the responses I heard….

“Its okay. You will get over it. Life goes on.”

This is the tried and tested phrase used for all kinds of losses when you are trying to cheer someone up. Somehow, it is horribly inappropriate during a funeral and even imagining that as a way to console someone riles me up. Obviously, death is not okay. And yes, I will get over it in the future but that person is not going to be a part of my or anybody’s future. That’s what I am sad about.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

A downpour of sympathy. This statement evokes only one feeling. Utter helplessness. Facing a sudden loss is like someone slapped you in the face and didn’t even bother to wait and watch how you took it. You are still reeling with the shock of it and simultaneously accepting condolences from everyone. You just nod along to such responses because they don’t really mean anything to you at that moment. But they do help you. They act as a balm for the shock and help the actuality to sink in.

“Be strong. What will happen to xyz if you are so disheartened?”

 

This is usually being said to the spouse/children of the deceased, in reference to each other. I can understand the whole intent behind this statement and the kind of self sacrifice it demands. In other words, they are asking you to fast-track your grief. A subtle reminder that your responsibilities are doubled now. Come through fast before this horrible reality catches up and starts mutilating other aspects of your life.

The harsh reality either pains the bereaved so much that they are howling for it to stop or has numbed them into silence with a vacant look in their eyes. Something about watching that entire scenario makes me tear up, which has nothing to do with the deceased. After all, it didn’t affect me so when the body was actually laid on the pyre and lit up. It is the state everybody is left in. Some are still in the primitive stage of denial. Some are left wondering, how will life ever go on again? And all this while, a few brave ones are already picking up the pieces of their shattered lives….

Why I do what I do…Kerry Boshers style

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Growing up my mother immediately noticed me scanning the newspaper columns while searching for the obituaries. Once I found the obituaries, I would examine the pictures of those printed. This started around the age of four. In 1999 at the age of 10 my great grandmother passed away. I remember staying with my grandmother to keep her company as she had just lost her mother, and I was somewhat angry I wasn’t allowed to make arrangements with her because the funeral home wasn’t a scary place to me like they described to me to lure my wants of going away. At the time I didn’t realize that making arrangements wasn’t a place for children.

Several years later, I lost both of my grandfathers within seven months of each other. Both grandmothers were extremely devastated and I remember ‘smothering” them with love in hopes of giving comfort in those days surrounding the visitation / service. They were just exhausted, and I didn’t want them to lift a finger.

Fast-forward several more years to graduation and college where I was attending Columbia State to become a registered nurse. During my second semester I lost a friend, in a horrible automobile accident, and was able to help her mother during the loss and funeral. These horrible minutes, weeks and months after her death molded my life. I found my purpose in life and it was to serve the community and people I love. I was able to come to Williams Funeral Home hoping for an interview, and they gave me that chance. Now that nursing school was out the window they guided me into Mortuary School.

Here we are 5 years later and I am now a licensed funeral director and crematory operator. Often, I have people ask me, “How did this happen and why do you work at a funeral home” They speak like its something that happens to the unfortunate, but to me there is no where I would rather be. I love serving the families placed before me.

 

 

 

481592_10151146776566074_1628017453_nKerry in Glasses

 

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